Hi all!
I wanted to share a bit of my own experience with Chiron in Taurus in the 9th. My whole life I've had a pattern of feeling a deep internal inadequacy relative to my own ability to truly understand and my authentic value as a teacher. I've often come into experiences where I am teaching/ sharing knowledge BEYOND my current grasp, beyond what I actually have come to realize from within.
The results of that have been an intense feeling of guilt and brokenness, that I am not fit and adequate to teach etc. The teaching for me, as I've been growing throughout this life, is to reference inner truth, inner realization from nothing other than my own direct experience. This is a part of the closing of the eyes and retreating within, learning to journey from the inside, not as much from the outside.
Following my intuition means facing the vulnerability of deep within feeling a bit lost and unstable. But it also means meeting that with a sort of humility wherein I recognize that I have to listen to inner guidance, and trust myself. Not defer to external ideas of values that i don't know for sure to be true or true for me.
I've been told that in past lives I had represented teachings that weren't natural for me and taught them resulting in a wounding in my own self-trust and guilt. Things like that. I don't know about the past lives as much as this makes total sense to me, and it's something I have experienced in this life.
Lastly, I lead a song circle every year at a song gathering. Every year I face a similar issue: where I am leading the circle for 90 minutes but I become exhausted by the self-pressure to have more songs to share. I have 100's of songs, but in the moment, there's often nothing. This has been an uncomfortable place and has impacted my sense of self-esteem. Often feeling that I can't let people know or see that I am insecure, that I don't have an authentic calling to the next song. So sometimes I would just pick a song, but this would deplete my energy. I've often completed these songs circles feeling very low in self-esteem.
The relationship to Chiron here is I'm leading people on a journey and feel broken and wounded in my own value and ability to actually take them on this journey. I know I have songs of great value, but when I try to BE NORMAL and lead a circle the way others do (i.e. sit for 90 minutes and share songs) I seem to get lost. So I think a teaching for me, one that I am still digesting, is to come at this in my own way. However, to authentically do that I have to acknowledge to myself that I can't just make myself fit into the framework and do it the way others do.
I have gone through a similar dynamic when I teach. Really it's exactly the same thing, doesn't matter whether its song or voice. The question of authenticity is always there for me. Words are easier for me to fall back upon, and thus it's a bit easier to compensate with words, but the same learning applies. To ground myself in my own way and trust inner guidance. This is always a matter of getting quiet first and centering myself on the intention of the journey before I start walking it.
Thank you for your honesty in sharing, Ari. In itself an act of chironic medicine, I think, no?. It's very helpful. I understanding Chiron in general and when it comes to grappling with how to work my own personal Chiron placement specifically (conjunct Mercury, Moon's south node, Pallas in Pisces 8th house).
The experience of not being able to function according to normality I hadn't picked up on all the way on that before, but, that's real key. In my case then to dmmlo with writing, cognizing, communicating etc. How you describe your process of grounding and trusting inwardly is potent help. I'm beginning to realize that doing Mercury my way in a kind of homegrown idiosyncratic sort of poetic-expressive way is a for me necessary, fully legitimate thing. Plus that it doesn't necessarily have to become the pretentiously flambouyant circus act juggling fake fire for its own sake, but actually has the potential of being honed into a means for honesty and realness.
Certainly one shadow expression potentially being just this: losing the straight and narrow (boring...😳☺️👼)path of reasoning (e.g. answering practice questions), getting lost in that flow of pretty-colored hyperactive yummy wordplay, overcompensating for a debilitating social muteness or the stifling guilt for having used manipulation by bullshit in robbing others, and myself in the process, of their power.
Taking part in this course, the classes and the forum brings up a lot of deep Chiron/Mercury stuff for me to be healed and given healing power. The terror of not measuring up in the correct/contextually "normal" way, being led into forgiveness by a distinctly laid out path of truth. A pivotal thing in my life, and I just want to say, Ari, that your personal honesty and hard-won insight, your guidance, support and teaching means the world and beyond along the way.
All the best to you and yours and have a great vacation now!🌞