Janice DiGirolamo 6-23-45 3:42 PM Denver Colorado; raised in Springfield, Illinois

Bio--reading with Ari’s Mentorship Group, by Bob

Preface:  An inductive process (my usual thinking preference-- questions, collection, more questions) I’ve been circling this version of bio—many drafts, soul searching, hopefully, I’ve made a bed I I can lay in for right now. Not a comfy bed, a bed of memories of pain and shortcomings, all blessings for transformation to more and more feel my connection to God, I am part of God, I am that love.

Knowing about life: God with Holy Spirit are my guides since child and learned about God and Jesus. (I’m not religious and have not been drawn to anything with a doctrine, though I love the stories.) Spent life, studying astrology (my main squeeze) since college, searching for mystical writings, study Ouspensky, study Tao, buddhism, zen, I Ching, Christian Science, shaman rituals, poetry, Kabbalah, A Course in Miracles (now). Bottom line: all say go toward the light of God and all will be what is to be mine, I am free to go round and round with the same suffering or face it, burn it off to know true certain path to God and thus the miracles in this life.

Childhood: Post war—veterans—working class, neighborhood. Noisy lots of drama. Affairs, incest, spousal murder, child abuse, alcohol. Dad, coal mine then grounds keeper for airport, Catholic Italian, depressed, cranky, abusive (to us), smart, political, community leader, well liked (to others); Mom, ecumenical, Irish, full of opinions and beliefs, hard worker, smart, cheerful, pointed out societal discrepancies, accountant, reader. Both parents taught us to be polite, kind, good people, did not demand we have certain beliefs or achieve in certain ways. They mostly wanted us to behave, not cry, or make demands, to be helpful and share what we have.  Sibs:  me oldest, two sisters, and then brother—ages within 5 years.

Family: Dad died at 58 of cancer (I tried to heal him through nutrition). Mom chronically ill. I was mom’s helper from a wee child, raising kids, cooking, cleaning, laundry in old wringer washer. I was always trying to fix my family. I was independent, found my own way, knew I was different, odd jobs in grade school. Me always aware of money and how mom managed it—knew that it made a difference in our lives—what we got to do, wear, ear, etc.  We always had enough. But, when young I thought we were poor and thought that was embarrassing. (Actually, we were pretty much like everyone else I knew—I just felt this lack.)

Sisters both chronic, agoraphobic, obese. Brother drugs early and set self on fire in 20’s, survived, devoted himself to a life of service, highly functioning schizophrenic.  (I was his go to person).

In junior high, I decided to not get married nor to have kids, but to have a man as a partner, not a husband. I wanted to travel, go to New York to live. Latin, French major in HS. Lots of clubs, acapella choir, national honor society.

Eventually, I stopped trying to heal my family, love them unconditionally, dealt with guilt resulting from my being healthy, smart, accomplished, top of my class, college—English Lit, (worked way through as secretary) sought out my own healing, good jobs, a leader, seeker, art maker, involved with music. Learned to keep my own counsel—too much drama in family, they found solace judging, projection, security, meaningless busyness. They were proud of me and envious too, didn’t really get me. I willingly saw mom through nursing home 6 years and death. Officiated at her funeral and also my bother’s.  Much grace here for me. 

Starting early in life emotional issues I dealt with: jealousy of sister, sharing attention, striving lots, always trying to figure out how life worked, I thought there were laws or forces that I could find out about, fear of being left out by friends (chiron), fear of losing parents and not being about able to care for myself, not feeling emotionally supported (except by maternal grandmother, a conscious self-made classy business woman). In college lots of good girl friends but generally felt lost and didn’t really get how to navigate or what my questions were.  I was smart, I worked, I relied on friends to help me find my way. Never really engaged. I sought out boy friends who were smart and introduced me to new worlds—I ching, Tao, Buddhism.

1969 to 1985 Careers:  (In all of my ‘jobs’ I’ve felt a devotion, commitment and love to the collective—my empathy and compassion is with those who most resemble the working  women, men, and children—in my heart I check out how my various work and work products will help better the lives and/ or make sense to my own sisters and mom. So far this practice has kept me in touch with my humanness, humility. ).  Writer and photographer State of Illinois, advertising firm , IL EPA (proposed a successful nationally distributed publication); AFSCME (pub. Employee union), recreated myself as organizer, especially of clericals, negotiated contracts, handled grievances, became Organizing Director, did initiatory work on sexual harassment and comparable worth, then to manage Lt. Governor campaign-first woman to run; then to director of rape counseling center (learned all about the dynamics of power and sexual violence against women, studied matriarchal times, found feminism). Landed self into a dark night of the soul.

Through all these positions, I did really good work and worked 24/7—when not working I was studying about what I was learning--I ran up against power imbalances that showed up in many different forms; and showed I was energetically moving to a whole new arena-- I negotiated my way through the difficult endings by going inside to find the why, but they were all painful at the time—fears, about supporting myself and taking care of myself, what if don’t have a job that is of the caliber that I needed to operate at to get the experiences I needed to grow, saving face—false pride. Spirit had promised to show me the way and I was never let down; I’ve been blessed with being able to hear/feel where I need to go next and success when I got there.

Dark night: depressed, felt almost suicidal. How will I ever come back? My field was violence against women, women’s issues and I couldn’t see anywhere that I could go. This started me on a journey of yoga and meditation for several months.

1986—started Money Choices (a teaching business to workshops to take women through a process of learning how to think about money, got my brokers license, motivated by seeing so much poverty and money problems among women. Started training in Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) and got master’s level. New realizations about how to read people and understandings about communicating—particularly the value to story and directness.

1990—Went to Supreme Court agency to implement new Ill. Domestic Violence Act—through a process of interviews and inquiry--proposed innovative program of coordinating councils in every judicial circuit chaired by  women dv advocates and  male judges, including churches, schools, medical, lawyers, AA, etc..  (I’d been so fearful of being on the outside of the women’s community locally and felt so much like a failure—later saw it as a positive-- with the local Rape Counseling program, and now I was convening local women’s advocates from all over the state and finding ways for us to  be programmatically involved in the courts with the judges (not done before in Illinois). The key to getting the judges and then state’s attorneys and law enforcement involvement was NLP—I had the confidence that I knew how to communicate with them.  My motto then was follow what works and celebrate what is working.  There was lots of focus by people in the system and services on problems.  The problems were fixable when we began with the positive, not  the negative. I studied David Bohm (theoretical physicist) and his work on dialog.  Each council started with teaching on dialog and how it works and it works.

Eventually, due to power imbalance I found a new home for this program—transferred all the money and staff and kept going until I retired in 2005. The judges I worked with said,  the family violence prevention councils involvement was the most rewarding work of their careers.

Spirit has used my friends, throughout my whole life to show me toward new ways—jobs, ideas, experiences, self valuing, etc.

1972--Kissed a lot of frogs before I met my husband Phil (born 1939) in a hardware store. Gorgeous he always was—from rural early life, alcoholic father, mother savior of family, like mine, 4 kids, him oldest, like mine. When I left that Hardware, I knew I’d met my life partner, the person I’d dreamed about in HS. He was photographer too, his mom an astrologer, money trip: carpenter’s union; Army special forces medic; had read all the spiritual books I’d read, wanted an earth based rural life as did I.  

1975 we moved to a 12 acre plot in rural wooded river valley. Built a pole house, compost toilet, planted a garden, built a barn, raised goats, chickens, ducks, dogs, cats—wood cook stove, wood heat, chopped wood, carried water.  I worked, Phil was househusband. We studied whole earth catalog and co-evolution quarterly—ordered books, studied how to make this kind of life. Grew wheat, ground it and baked bread. Canned. Wrote poetry lived in nature. Phil taught me how to be an earth woman.  I knew nothing except what I’d read in books.  I took naturally to and loved this life, every bit of it, even the bugs, I had jars all over to catch bugs in to put outside.  Perfect place to write and do art and love.

In 1995 or so we traveled to Italy and UK. Decided to get a sailboat, ended on lake Michigan, long cruises—loved this life.  We were devoted to each other; he said I saved his soul; I said he gave me a life; and we kept each other honest about projections, taking things personally, identifying with labels or anything really—I am not what I do. We had some great arguments, eruptions of anger that didn’t last very long, maybe a couple of hours.  Lots of times we’d just start laughing at how ridiculous we sounded. (our mars were squared). Sometimes it was just needing to be alone for a while and not saying. When living in the woods, one can stomp off to the woods and sit quietlywaiting for sanity to return, with perceptive and hopefully more self awareness and a learning.  This is how we were able to live 50 years together, being exactly who we were and doing what we were each called to do.  We had different interests and projects.

Phil taught me how to be with a man, how to stop taking myself so seriously—he was funny, indirect and told stories from his life, especially about the rural little town he grew up in with horses on the streets, ice houses and comics books, really unusual people, rampant poverty of money and richness of spirit.  His last words, it’s been fun.

2005 soon after I retired, Phil’s life changed. He lost his balance to peripheral neuropathy from celiac and eventually it led to chronic heart and bladder problems. An MFA and a great aesthetic eye himself, he encouraged me to pursue my art—watercolor—I did, fervently and by 2012-ish my watercolors were getting best of show and juried into international shows. He encouraged me to go to China and to Bulgaria to visit my violin teacher.  I did. I then had both my knees replaced and didn’t take pain meds so I wouldn’t get side effects—learned how to not have physical pain—because I was taking care of Phil, our household, still subsistence living and managing 2 rental properties. This is the beginning of the most powerful and painful time of my life.

2018 Phil was allergic to all meds—though the med docs tried to pressure us to follow their way.  I totally switched our health care to all alternatives at this point, diet, homeopathies. Supplements. I treated myself 4 times for Lymes disease. Even with heart and bladder issues and unable to walk, he was otherwise in good shape and lucid though frustrated (unspoken to spare me) with his condition. He was 6 ft. 220, muscular, climb on roofs, strong capable guy. This was hard for him and me. So what was I burning off here?

I absolutely had not wanted to take care of another person’s body. I resisted this strongly and resentfully.  Phil agreed with all the alternative treatments, but he would not do any physical therapy.  He was living in his reclinerbecause of so much falling, and eventually I had to lift him to take care of him.  (our bedroom was up stairs on a loft).  I would get so very angry with him for refusing to do his exercises—I cajoled and yelled and screamed and cried and stomped. Nada. (We were both surprised to see all this emotion and behavior in me.) I could feel myself burning.  This stuff in me was old, had to be. I was becoming a wreck—physically, emotionally, spiritually. I just kept pushingmyself determinedly to do a good job, to keep records of all the treatments, order medical supplies—I’ve always done a good ‘job,’ I knew I would and that I could. This was no different.  Eventually, I just stopped emoting.  I began to meditate again.  As I took that time and quieted and allowed.  After a week or so it all got more possible and we began to enjoy each other again.  I started a koan practice. And, then in 2022, Phil passed peacefully in our home, in his recliner with me by his side with our Monty dog.

Most of the anger in my life has not been directed to a person, but has been directed at conditions, systems, laws, and has spurred me topositive action.  That was the case in all of my career positions that were directed toward change. It was a potent combo of anger, love, determination, responsible commitment. Ultimately, that is what I called on to see my dear beloved through that last 4 years of his life.

So this goes on.  When Phil died, I felt like my heart burst my chest open and huge waves of devastation and love poured out into the world. I knew then that love is all there is, everything is love. And I was in immense joy. People started showing up for me.  My whole I can do this myself, I’ve got this way collapsed. I allowed them in. I went to a grief group, because I felt I helped others. Friends brought me food for a month, friends invited me to jam sessions, I did shamanic sessions and breath work.  I had a dream about a bonfire and new I was to do a reincarnation ceremony for Phil around bonfire at our house. People came with notes to Phil about what was best of him to carry into his next life. They put them in the bonfire. We did a water ceremony for washing away regrets.  I was once again raising my vibrations to connect with the Divine, to live a life devoted to love. I bought a car. Sold the property.  Friends were hosting me in new ways, asking for spiritual talk, after I returned from Ireland, I met with many different groups of friends telling the stories of encountering the other world, the metaphysical, the ancient while there. Seem to have lost the Chiron fear of not being accepted into groups.

Last pain burning away that I didn’t handle, except to escape. I became worried about money, intensely worried, huge anxiety, heart pounding fear.  Unfortunately, I was able to borrow money on my signature to help with building my tiny home here on my property. This of course, means I didn’t get to the bottom of this money fear. It’s not rational—I know it.  I’ve had it most of my life and have much abundance—but this fear lingers.  I must get to the bottom of it or that burning pain with it will return—I’d rather revisit it with memory and not actual new experience. Wanting to clear and burn what’s left from the fears and detritus of still unprocessed emotion, limiting beliefs etc. from this lifetime. Any ideas of this from my chart?

My life now has been mystical studying, writing, poetry, watercolor, violin, astrologycharts and teaching, practicing the Course and wanting to be a blessing of miracles for others. I feel the Divine in my being with the Holy Spirit on tap for daily guidance now. Yet, I feel the wheel turning and the future is here, I just am not face to face with it yet.  Perhaps, it’s death.  I seem to be inordinately health with all my alternatives, diet, exercise—could get cataracts removed.  That’s it. I’m still in my subsistence life style—standing strong.

Between now and 100 is quite a long time to still do good.  And maybe, just maybe I’ll get to do some more burning so as to lighten my soul still further for it’s next time’s journey. Pluto in 4th, Uranus return, Neptune in 6th, progressed Neptune in 12th with Chiron soon. My life belongs to the divine now. I miss male energy--would appreciate a male friend to chat with about the big stuff, poetry, art, astrology, tao, zen, the dharma, binary sun, kali yuga. My friends’ partners are lovely, one is building the tiny house, another taught me bonsai recently. All my friend couples include me for dinners and lively conversation. Some of these men are acting like they may want to do a divine masculine group when I tell them I’ll organize it and find resources. Men now are asking for charts.

I had a vision this year I dissolved into my room, that wasn’t my room, none of the objects had substance, I saw what seemed like a fun house at the fair.  We entered as babies with everything planned out, the people, the challenges, all of it, but we still had free choice—to serve the divine, burn off the hindrances or not—we traveled through, clowns, all kinds of scenery, mirrors, etc.  When we got to the end we jumped out of the car and all our loved ones were there to meet us and find out what we thought about it. The vision lasted about and hour and ended when I got curious rather than just watching. It felt true.